Tuesday 8 June 2021

Neither a lender nor a borrower be.



I wish I had taken more notice of Polonius (Act 1, Hamlet). I would not only be richer, but also more at peace with myself, and maybe with others.

I cannot count the amount of times I've lent books, records, objects, and even DIY tools, to 'friends' who have never returned them.

I used to keep a small 'who had what' book, to remind myself of where things were, but I felt rather mean-spirited, and decided to be more trusting; that trust has not been reciprocated.

Some of the books I've lost were real favourites that I'd stupidly recommended to a borrower; very annoying. Several old records, even though I no longer have a machine on which to play them, have never been returned. I once even lent a whole portfolio of drawings to someone for her interview at The Slade. She was accepted; I never got my drawings back! I could go on.

I once sold a Richard Hamilton print (Adonis in Y Fronts) to a 'friend'. I was never paid. That print is now worth around £25,000. But that had nothing to do with 'lending'.

Some while back we reluctantly lent an extra-large old hand made Union Flag to someone; at the same time as 'giving' them some modern Union Flag Bunting, which we were happy to do. The large flag, however, was an heirloom, it had been in my family for yonks and I treasured it; the person involved was told that I wanted it back. When Lady M asked if it could be returned, she was insulted, and told 'not to always blame others'; whatever that was supposed to mean! 

It's a petty matter, and we've now accepted that the person involved will always be this way; and my treasured flag has gone for ever. When certain people know they're in the wrong, they instantly revert to lies and insults; it seems to work!

I'm now very wary about lending anything to anyone; which rather saddens me. Having always been kind to people, it has been their dishonesty which now makes me feel the way I do.

Polonius was right.

21 comments:

  1. You are so generous to lend even things that are family treasures. Can you ask for that flag back one more time? Probably not. How disappointing those "friends" are.

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    1. I should never have lent it. My own stupid fault I suppose.

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  2. At least your house hasn't burnt down. Imagine what you'd lose then.

    I understood the Polonius quote to be about money. Which is why I despise anyone who uses it when you ask them for a fiver or two. I have borrowed and, more importantly, lent [money] - if I can - with wanton abandon. Generosity of heart, generosity of purse. Neither have I ever lost a friend over their inability to pay it back.

    As to lending/borrowing THINGS, my dear Cro, we are all in the same boat. That book, that screwdriver never to be returned (by us and by others) is a law of nature. A bit like socks mysteriously disappearing in the wash. Black hole or something.

    Don't fret, Cro, let it go - in any case, you can't take it with you,
    U

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    1. If the person had returned my flag, it would have gone into a drawer, be taken out for Rugby matches, etc, then eventually passed on to someone who probably wouldn't want it. So I'm trying to be philosophical about it; it's the betrayal that irks.

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    2. I have learnt over the years that I never lend ..apart from Family...anything.When I lent all my Motown records to my hubbies friend.I was 18 and never got them back.Maybe because he was in his 30s and tried it on with me in the back yard!I am 66 now n still regret not just giving him a smack in the face...and getting my records back.I still have a record player...xx

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  3. Generosity really can be abused quite readily, and your portfolio and flag losses should sting as it goes beyond the book/record/tool tales everyone seems to have. Such things ultimately strain relationships so you wonder why the likely offender asks to borrow in the first place? They must already have an inkling they won't give it back.

    My most noteworthy book-lendee sold the book in question as part of a clean up and I accidentally found it some months later on the shelf of the said book dealer and promptly bought it back ... again.

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    1. The girl who borrowed my drawings made some feeble excuse, but I suspect she needed to keep them for when she started at The Slade. I should never have lent them to her; it was dishonest.

      That book story is a cautionary tale to all of us!

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  4. I once lent my sewing machine to a new neighbour who wanted to make curtains as they had just moved in and didn't have any. After very many months I needed the machine myself and reluctantly asked for it back. She was quite affronted and returned it with bad grace, never speaking to me again. I didn't see any evidence of new curtains either.

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    1. You just reminded me of a Studio Easel that I lent to a friend. When I went to get it back, she said she'd thrown it away. I couldn't believe it... they cost about £70.

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  5. I note friends is in inverted commas. We haven't been leant many things and always retuned them but two come to mind. One was a hammer drill that broke down when we were using it. There is lesson there about motorised things to people. The other was a book leant to us by a neighbour and even before she handed it over, we didn't ask to borrow it, she told us how precious it was to her. Our dog chewed her very old edition of Seven Years in Tibet. She was surprisingly ok about the damage.

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    1. I expect most people have stories about lending or borrowing. I don't think either is to be advised.

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  6. Before I lend something, I always run through this scenario: How would I feel if I never got it back? If I am okay with it, I go ahead and lend it. If it is something that I genuinely treasure and that I would feel bad about, I simply don't lend it. A family heirloom? Nope. Sorry. No can do. BTW, that was a very odd thing to say to Mrs. M.

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    1. She was totally bemused by the comment; it made no sense. I think your attitude is right. I am becoming that way myself these days, I very rarely lend anything now.

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  7. I agree with you Cro. I tend to be kind to people and very nearly lend them things, then bite my lip! I too have lost things that have been lent and would never do it again.

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    1. You think you're being nice, then receive a slap in the face.

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  8. She got into Slade with your drawings! Not very sensible.

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    1. Her own drawing was dreadful... again I was being 'nice'.

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  9. I don't generally lend things or borrow things. Especially if I'm likely to want them back. I did lend the three books of a trilogy that my late son had given me to someone very close. They were never returned. I only give people things now and if they return them it's a bonus.

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    1. I'm more likely to 'give' these days, as clutter is becoming a problem.

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  10. Yes, as Graham says we only "give" things then there is no expectation of them being returned.

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    1. Very wise. I shall in future do the same.

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