Winter's solution

I've never made a secret of the fact that I dislike winter intensely. I hate the cold, I detest snow, I become depressed, my whole body tends to ache for months on end, I manage to achieve one painful stiff neck after another, my lips crack, I walk around looking like an over-padded sumo wrestler, and (worst of all), France's beautiful women no longer wear their delightful flighty summer dresses.

So I've decided that, starting from this Autumn, I shall spend all future winters in hospital. I shall book myself in, on or around mid-September, and stay until mid-April. That way any minor, or major, ailment can be treated at once, and with the constant attention of several pretty nurses, they can make sure that nothing nasty turns-up unexpectedly.

Now it's just a matter of finding a free, Riviera based, five star, gourmet-hospital that's willing to take me.