Imagine that you are 'Little Miss Perfect', and you are looking for a factory that will make some jam for you.
The one you find (allegedly The Small Batch Jam Co of Pacifica California) already makes expensive jam, so you consider the factory ideal.
Miss Perfect (let's call her MM) asks them to make some Strawberry 'Spread' for her; not 'Jam'. She wants it runny, and she promises to make sure it sells well by suggesting a 'Royal' name. The brand name for the jam (spread) is to be 'As Ever' (an anagram of Arse EV; EV = Exceptionally Vengeful).
MM wants fancy packaging, regal looking art work, and an overall feel of luxury to fit in with how she sees herself. She wants to charge a lot of money for it, and wants people to think that they have been privileged to buy it. This is to be a 'spread' above all other spreads (even though it's just ordinary runny jam), and she intends to become very rich by putting her name on it.
MM wants her clients to believe that the spread has been made in her own kitchen, so the actual factory location must be kept a secret. A secrecy deal is made!
The launch date is revealed; not unlike some Hollywood blockbuster movie hitting the screens. A few celebs are chosen to receive complimentary jars of the new jam (sorry 'spread'), and there is a tension in the air as jars are opened at various nouveau riche breakfast tables across California. Jam-expert young actresses give their opinions, and the jam (sorry 'spread') is declared OK, but no more! The fact that it's runny annoys some, but in general it's said to be almost as good as Bonne Maman, or Welch's; although the price of $14 for just 215g is said to be excessive.
Miss perfect is also said to be producing Flower sprinkles (whatever they are), Shortbread Cookie mix (Betty Crocker?), Honey, and Tea Bags; all produced from 'her own imaginary kitchen'.
I will give MM one piece of advice; don't try selling in the UK. People here are not that gullible. We like our Jam not to dribble off our toast, we like our Shortbread biscuits to be ready-made from Scotland, we like our Honey to come from a small producer at a Farmer's Market, we want our Tea to come from Twining's, and as for the Flower Sprinkles (whatever they are) I suggest they are sprinkled somewhere else!
You forgot the dog biscuits Cro. Her new name is Duchess of Dog Biscuits.
ReplyDeleteI'm 'enthralled' by the Ginge and Whinge Saga. Honestly you'd think I'd have better things to do but I have to keep on going back to see the next chapter of their saga.
The jam doesn't seem to have gone down at all well. Or her latest podcast. The little I heard of that was cringe worthy.
What's happening with his latest court case??
I'm waiting for a resounding Rejection. With costs.
Her biggest asset seems to be 'Desperation'. I think she should calm down, get an acting job, and try to be a bit more 'normal'.
DeleteI hadn't heard if her brand but just had a look (or Google) and see everything has sold out. Didn't look much in a jar to drizzle everywhere
ReplyDeleteShe only made a few of everything, and gave a lot of it away to friends.
DeleteI'm happy to say that this woman is so far out of my orbit of interest that I had no idea what you were writing about until I read the comments.
ReplyDeleteThink yourself lucky. Best to stay unaware of 'the person'.
DeleteOh Cro, I am so disappointed. I really thought that charming young woman made all the jam herself in her home kitchen. As If ..oops ... Ever.
ReplyDeleteMaybe she will in the future. She'll need a factory extension for all the machinery, and industrial processes. Watch this space!
DeleteI'm surprised it wasn't called 'Jelly' spread, that's what they call jam over there isn't it? Peanut Butter and Jelly.
ReplyDeleteThat's what my charming wife eats on her toast; a left-over habit from her days as a schoolgirl in Washington DC. Awful.
DeleteTea from Twinings? No, must be good strong Yorkshire Tea! (Unless it's Earl Grey)
ReplyDeleteAs for MM, I just don't understand the interest in a failed Z-list actress with a planet-sized ego.....
Twinings Lapsang is my own Tea of preference. I'm afraid YT is not to my taste. I think MM thought that she would become QUEEN of England after her nuptials with Ginge, then threw a tantrum when she discovered she wouldn't.
DeleteI read somewhere online that the " flower sprinkles" are exactly the same mix that is sold for hamsters/rabbits etc. ! Certainly looked the same in the picture.
ReplyDeleteWhat are they? Are they like 'Hundreds and Thousands', for cup cakes etc?
DeleteIs MM Minnie Mouse? I object to her husband Mickey Mouse. He is essentially a US citizen and yet when he comes to Great Britain he expects a full security regime paid for by British tax payers. It is outrageous. I am a British tax payer so I expect that if I contact the relevant authorities I will also get full security protection when travelling to dangerous places like Glasgow, Belfast and Brighton. **** Mickey Mouse!
ReplyDeleteAs a Yorkshireman, you might need a translator rather than a minder when you visit Brighton. However, there are plenty of Whippets down here, so you'd feel reasonably at home.
DeleteDo you have electricity and running water down there?
DeleteOnly just, but the Electricity is 'High Grade' and the water comes from Epernay, and is sparkling.
DeleteThe privilege and entitlement of MM is off the charts. Imagine all the good work she could do, worthwhile work, and instead she hawks overpriced "lifestyle" products that no one needs or wants. What a waste. She and her husband aren't contributing a damn thing of value to the world.
ReplyDeleteA very odd couple. They were well liked over here before she started making-up her silly stories. They would have been better staying here and doing all the usual 'royal' duties. She would have loved it.
DeleteWe're not all that gullible over here Cro when it comes to the likes of that grasping woman. We're all weary of both of them. Seems she's desperate and trying to become the next "Goop" of crazy Ms. Paltrow fame. I hope I live long enough to watch that marriage implode because we all know it shall.
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed it's lasted as long as it has. The Ginge must be very thick skinned.
DeleteMM's new business seems flawed. I wonder how long it will last.
ReplyDeleteH (Mr. M.) is in a legal battle with the Royals. He wants ongoing security for his family in CA.
It does seem their new life is far from ideal.
They want it all. Not to be a royal, but to have all the trimmings of royalty, and not to be hounded by the press, but to rely on them whenever they can. I think they should just shut-up and live a quiet life.
DeleteDidn’t she also do something mindblowingly (!) wonderful with flowers in ice cubes! There is obviously no end to her talents! 😆
ReplyDeleteI hadn't heard of that one, but it sounds wonderfully inventive.
DeleteThought you said you didn’t read the Daily Mail, Cro.
ReplyDeleteI don't!
DeleteThe only newspaper I read is The Sunday Times, all my other info comes from MSN (didn't I mention that before?).
DeleteYou did mention it Cro, but MSN is full of Daily Mail (didn’t I mention that before?)
DeleteFinally, I can comment again!
ReplyDeleteMeghan's Minions aka the Sussex Sugars must add sweetener to the slop. I've heard there is a strong lemon tang to it
A bitter edge perhaps.
Delete"Runny" jam?! My mum would discard it and complain about poor pectin.
ReplyDeleteThanks to those who clarified "flower sprinkles". I'd assumed MM had re-discovered borage flowers look nice frozen in ice cubes.
If ever my wife's jam goes slightly wrong we always call it Strawberry soup.
DeleteIt's laughable how desperate this stupid woman is!
ReplyDeleteLike you, I get all my "info" from MSN too, not that I believe half of what I see or read, but I do get a good laugh from time to time!
In the US, jam, jelly, conserve and spread are all different products with different labeling requirements. So calling it a spread is not a quirk of the maker; it's a government requirement.
ReplyDelete