Wednesday 12 June 2013

An Open Letter to GCHQ.


Dear GCHQ, NSA, CIA, et al.

I understand from a certain Mr Edward Snowdon that you may be monitoring my Emails, Facebook page, and oh-so popular Blog.

I would like to inform you that I have absolutely no problem with this whatsoever; in fact if you wish to know more about what I get-up-to, then this is where you definitely have to look. Feel free, enjoy yourselves, and glean all you need to know about.....

Two dogs called Monty and Bok.
How to make Elderflower Champagne.
Where I buy my wine, and for what price.
The colour of the water in my pool.
What's growing in my vegetable patch (Haddock's).
The poor quality of French restaurants.
My grandsons.
How to assemble flat-pack-furniture.
Local events in my teeny-weeny village.
Etc, etc, etc.

Sadly, the only thing I CAN'T help you with is spy catching or terrorist monitoring.

Oh, and if you feel you would like to leave a comment, please do so under the pseudonym 'Anonymous', as all such communication is carefully analysed, and instantly deleted!

Sincerely, Cro.


  1. Well Cro, you have certainly cleared up for me the source of those annoying Anonymous emails. Though it was pretty obvious as they arrive while I sleep [grins]

  2. My dear late father, who had actually worked in such circles, used to sign off all of his emails with a long list of keywords ranging from 'bomb' to 'kill' and 'prime minister'.

    I was taught well, and early. Father was seventy-six years old when a sniper finally got him.

    There's a simple reason why I don't buy into 99% of conspiracy theories - most of H.M. Government need to have their backsides guided towards a chair when they sit down; there is no way on this earth that any of that lot would be competent enough or capable of keeping the slightest secret. They can't even run a decent expenses fiddle without getting caught.

    1. My late father-in-law was 'our man in Moscow/Washington/Caracas' etc, and when he retired he worked for...... AAAAGGGHHHH... OK, I'll say no more, now take that pistol out of my mouth. Thank you.

  3. I don't know what it is about Edward Snowden, but he made me feel he was manipulating the press and everyone else with a view towards who knows what. Horror of horrors, you don't think it could be 'mega bucks' do you?

    Very well put, Cro!

    1. I don't know what good the 'mega bucks' will do for him, if the men in black catch-up with him. But I'm sure you're right.

  4. Our man in Vermouth?

    Yours anonymously,


  5. You tell em Cro. The devils.

  6. Cro Magnon, you have disabled anonymous comments so we have hacked into a local Angolan account in order to be able to comment.

    You forgot the Angolan Security Services, SINFO. We were trained by the East Germans.

    Given that most of our senior politicians from the President down have extensive French property holdings, do not underestimate the value of the information we trawl from your communications in order to avoid an international incident when one of our pillars of society pulls out a Makarov and shoots dead a French restaurateur shouting, 'I'm not paying for that shit!'

  7. Loved it. And I'm just as in love with Hippo's comments on the matter. Well done!

  8. When I go to the states...I am always dragged off to a separate room at customs....
    Nothing is discussed
    Just a very silent guy tapping at a computer screen
    I sit there for 20 minutes
    Then I go

    Happens every time
    Perhaps somewhere in the US
    There is a guy called john Gray
    Who is a very naughty boy

  9. I remember hearing in the early 1970's that our phone conversations could be recorded if we said certain "magic words." There were times where in the middle of a perfectly mundane conversation, i'd say, "Marijuana, marijuana, marijuana." Just because.

    For a work project, i had to do a few Web searches about colonscopies, so now i get a ton of adverts about colonoscopy preps. Currently, i'm working on a couple oncology projects. We'll see what the adverts bring me. All any government has to do is employ similar technology, although i expect most of what they follow will be boring bits of other people's lives.


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