Monday, 13 July 2015

Depressed again.


                                   

I'm just a fucking painter. I've never earned much money; in fact I've had more bloody work stolen from me than I've ever sold.

I live a simple life. Through bloody hard work I've managed to create a pleasant home from what was originally a tumble down one room ruin.

I grow most of what I eat, and have just about buggered my back in the cultivation process.

I have planted gawd-knows how many fruit trees, which will provide food for generations to come.

I don't poison the land, I don't drop litter, and I don't buy foods (or as little as possible) that have flown around the world several times.

In my own eyes, I try to be a 'good' person. I have never committed a crime, killed anyone, or been a drain on society. I'm that guy who helps old ladies across the road, and holds doors open for unappreciative women as they enter a shop. I do these things simply because that is how I was taught to behave.

But, where has all this got me! Nowhere really; when I pop my clogs I will simply become another name on a small piece of French stone. Someone of no importance, who probably wasted his life in the pursuit of an ideal.

I have been teetotal for the last 3 months. Last night I'd had enough, and returned to being an old soak. Now I'm regretting it.

So, another week begins. I have an old friend coming to stay tomorrow. She is a very 'live wire', so all will be well again.




95 comments:

  1. Oh no! I hate to think of you being so hard on yourself. You ARE a good man, and I hope you don't let some ridiculous blog comments get you down for long. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it! And enjoy your time with your friend!

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  2. You are wonderful. Snap out of it and enjoy that good life you've built with your own hands!

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  3. Think about the wonderful connection you have with your family, friends & all of us who follow your blog.

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  4. Please don't define yourself by one evening. Those of us who try to be good disappoint ourselves terribly at times. I have such days where darkness temporarily returns. You are right to reflect on the good that you've done and seek the company of ' those whose presence heals. Take speciall care today.

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  5. Oh Cro, it sounds as though you are suffering from the morning after....
    You have so much to be thankful for, and you've made a wonderful life for yourself and Lady M. Be proud of that, and think of all the pleasure you will get with Bunny - all the things you plan to show him.
    You have a wonderful wife, a faithful dog, good food grown by your own hand. You'll have your son and family living nearby and now you can look forward to a visit from an old friend. Life is good - enjoy !

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    1. i was going to write a post but this says everything i wanted to so so eloquently, Take care Cro and remember we are all only human

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  6. You won't be forgotten by any one who has met you, your family will always remember you and the joy you bring. Even people who totally disagree with your comments won't forget you. As to where you finish up with you name stone that part is not you. I wan my ashes thrown on the compost heap, in some hope I can have one final good use on this earth. Chin up, we all have naughty booze nights. Enjoy your friends stay.

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  7. Cro, when I got to blogging it was mainly to retire in the company of good minds --among which yours figures prominently.

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  8. Dear Cro - this doesn't sound like you - we all have down days - you have a lot to be thankful for - don't despair.

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  9. You reap what you sow. I seem to be involved in a strange combination, people pretend I am Adrien ( thanks Rachel , I do not know you and never commented on your blog) and some other names. As says Yael I know who I am , I comment no more and I only answer here because you all seem to be victims of collective paranoia.
    Mr. Cro your EGO will survive.You are a good actor ! Actor's studio is waiting for you.............
    Sara

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    1. Thank you Adrian... I know I can always depend on you to lift my spirits.

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    2. Sorry but you are ridiculous and I hope you know it. I will not read this blog anymore , if you look for friends go around in your little villages near your home. You are smart and are aware that bligs areaplace for fake comments.Hope the weather is nice. Hete in Berlin it's grey and chilly. Probably a "socialist" wind.
      Sara not a transgender haha

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    3. Stop pretending you can't spell Adrian, Adrian.

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    4. Sorry I thought you were a smart lady. I' m wrong you seem to be silly one, are you frustrated about something ?Think about it. You seem to spend your life in blogging. Drink a cup of your wonderful tea and slow down. Heart attacks touch more and more women they say.
      Sara

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    5. Cro was the first brave and honest man to support me last summer. the summer that you started to comment on my blog and to insult every one who commented in my blog,i know who you are and the reasons for your your bad comments here and in other blogs, you comment as sara miller only at blogs who comments on my blog.

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    6. You are really smart. Bravo !

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  11. Chin up Cro! I visit you for inspiration on the natural. Your friend is bound to breathe fresh air into your gloom. xx

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  12. Enjoy your day Cro. It is raining here.

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  13. Chin up, Cro. Alcohol is indeed a depressant. You have created a beautiful home and garden through your sheer hard slog, you create beautiful art with your brain and hands, and you and lady M between you have made some fine children and grandchildren. You love your family and your animals and they love you. Everyone is allowed a down day or two, but don't let the blues linger around too long!

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  14. First I stopped taking sugar in my tea. There were setbacks but I carried on and achieved it.
    Then I stopped smoking cigarettes. There were setbacks but I carried on and achieved it.
    Now I have stopped drinking alcohol. It's only two weeks. Maybe there will be setbacks. But since it's my goal, I will achieve it.

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  15. You touch a lot of people with your blog and those women you hold doors for, they do appreciate it. It is noted as its rare these days. I'll say thank you on their behalf.
    You're human and we humans have down days. I had one on Saturday and cried from well everything getting on top of me. I guess that's the equivalent of you drowning your sorrows. So it happens to us. Maybe more to us creative types. Maybe we feel more as we're observant.

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  16. Cheer up me old mate. Isn't it a bind that Blogger will no longer allow us to block trolls like Adrian/Adrien/Sara?

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    1. Are you living on social benefits ?

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    2. Nope. Are you living on anti-depressants?

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    3. No need ? Here in Berlin we got a good choice to do what we want.A poor city , but oh so sexy ! This lacks in the UK ! That's life

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    4. There are great advantages to losing a war, that is true.

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    5. For sure you got the queen and her ridiculous hats ...we got Angela Merkel!

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    6. Please don't mention The Queen and Matron Merkel in the same sentence. I know that I have done exactly that, but only to point out your mistake. Merkel must be the worst dressed of all European politicians.

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  17. Nothing else to do Mr. Stephenson than blogging ? May luving on social benefits ?

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    1. You can't even spell. See above. Cro - you may not be able to block this troll, but don't forget about the 'report abuse' button. Press that and he/she will be gone for good. Google has her details!

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    2. Don't worry , I can spell . Press the button you wish, Cro needs your advice. You count on google , you are a funny guy. Google only cares about money. And what do I write which must be censored.

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    3. You might end up having to censor from someone else's computer if Cro does press the button. The choice is yours...

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    4. I tried to block her before, but she bounced back.

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    5. No I never bounced back. I commented yesterday after the shitstorm on me. Sorry for you.
      Sara

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  18. I turn my back yet again! And...?
    Right.... Get a grip
    Just ignore Sara Miller she's a a twat
    Red wine does you good
    Haddocks is just fine
    You are much loved

    Suffice to say......life's wonderful

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    1. I am twat. I just looked up what this word means. Mr. Cro yiz have very distinguished followers. Not very British. Did this guy ever saw a twat ?

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    2. Hey John, I agree, advise Cro to ignore Sara if you will but please choose an insult that is not steeped in misogyny.

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    3. Well thats me told.......

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. His dick you mean John.

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    3. She was Aron before she became Sara , and she came to my blog when we have the war last summer ans since than "she" is following every one who comments in my blog ,

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    4. You got special glasses to look through and so see who people are. Just great , you should work in your secret services , what's the name ??? Mossad if I'm right.

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    5. Well I guess I'll be following your blog then yael, if you don't mind.

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  20. I love you Cro and, a few glasses of red won't hurt …… chin up. XXXX

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  21. Poor Rachel, I wonder if you need a dick. You sound so frustrated.

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  22. This blog is going crazy. Tomorrow I hope all will be back to normal.

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    1. people like her are easily taken care of. you can change your settings to moderate comments and thus not publish hers or you can go through the dashboard to the drop menu and select comments and then delete hers. I'm sure you must already know all this. perhaps you are just a better person than I because I do not allow someone to be rude and contemptuous to other commenters on my blog. comments like that are deleted as soon as I am aware of them.

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  23. I hope so too but i think we should just ignor the bad and keep our positiv way of thinking.

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  24. There are ignorant morons all over the world, unfortunately some of them have learned to use social media to vent their strange opinions.
    Ignore the obnoxious twat, maybe it will get a job and a life and leave nice people alone!

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  25. What you get Cro is the satisfaction that you have done your best and that you have lived a good life - no-one in the final analysis can ask for more than this.

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    1. Now this is the first sensible comment that I can agree with. Cro, be yourself....you are loved....but, by God, grow a hide. Sara is not an extremist in her views; she simply disagrees with you which is healthy and should make you either amend your view or fortify your resolve. Your blog is not a personal diary, you have encouraged a forum of wide-ranging opinions. Enjoy it for what it is. And bloody grow up some of you. Learn to express yourself with an ounce of dignity and grace!!!

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    2. I did not comment, before all bloggers here started to say I am Andy , Eddy , Aron and I do not know who else and that I'm not Sara. I made comments on Cro's blog some times ago and very often did not agree with him. I have nothing to do about the comments concerning British social welfare problems and did not comment, but for some reason some considered (including Cro ) .that the person called house..something could be me. I consider this to be a shitstorm against me and reacted. I have no problem to say my opinions, but I hate when people take me for a person I'm not. This statement to clarify the context
      Sara

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    4. Yes Sara, I understand that you did not make comment on Cro's post of a couple of days ago, you merely reacted to the pack mentality that was unleashed by bluehousedebs making a comment that was not in accord with Cro and his loyal followers. The reaction against you in the recent past and against bluehousedebs in the context of her recent comment is alarming and unnecessary and makes a farce of this blog. Tom Stephenson, your comment about losing a war was puerile and graceless. John Gray, your wit and turn of phrase has been much better employed. I have really enjoyed this blog for some time. I am not a conservative by nature and it has challenged me and enlightened me to listen to people who say it how they see it, but over the past three days this is too much. This blog has degenerated into a cesspool of extreme and insulting half-felt, knee-jerk views by people who usually have something to offer. Something that was thought provoking and graceful, beautiful and considered has descended into swill. I can see why you are feeling low, Cro.

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  26. I haven't read the earlier comments as I don't want to be influenced by them.

    Cro, from the first time I read your blog some years ago I just knew in my heart that you were a good and caring person, reminiscent of someone who had been important to me. Your goodness and caring and gentleness is what has kept me reading and you haven't disappointed.

    I'm not au fait with politics or issues in the UK (or France, for that matter) but I read those posts with interest and learn a little about the world outside of my limited one. And I like your passion.

    I particularly love your posts about your animals. And your vegie growing. And your family.

    Ignore the detractors. There are less of them than not. Ursula might very well call me a sycophant again. Meh.

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  27. I like your blog too Cro.
    Not too sure about your welfare argument, but there you go.

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  28. There are seven billion people in the world. We can't all be famous or have statues erected in our honour. It seems to me that you have lived a good and decent life Monsieur Cro and you can hold your head up high. You have also created a home and many pieces of art and in my book the act of creation is central to what it means to be a human being. Instead of becoming teetotal perhaps you should just drink on alternate evenings.

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  29. I have popped over from John Gray's blog. I am sorry to hear you are feeling disheartened, especially as you seem to be an admirable man. There are many heartless and thoughtless people, who take delight in being hurtful. It is not always easy to ignore them, but it is best to do so. They are, after all, only revealing who they truly are...invariably, insecure and unhappy within themselves. They get their false sense of superiority by attacking others, who are usually kind heartened, really decent folk, the kind they would dearly love to be, but cannot as they are too damaged within themselves and their only recourse is to try to pull everyone else down to their level. Please stay true to yourself! Even though this is my first visit, I can see you possess stirling qualities in my estimation. A good, kind and loving soul always shines brightly!

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  30. Replies
    1. Hello Desiree, and thank you for your kind words.

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  31. For someone who wasn't going to read your blog anymore Sara sure has a lot to say. Pity no-one is interested!

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  32. I know from my own experience and you also know from yours that this feeling is temporary. Soon (hopefully tomorrow) you will be back to your old self. Just hold on to that knowledge. x

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  33. I have always seen you as a man who is satisfied with his life, which is something that we all strive to achieve. Depression comes to all of us and usually is very temporary. With all the wonderful things that are about to come into your world and a grandchild to share your days, these negative feelings are sure to disappear quickly. People will agree and disagree with you, that is life. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences and form our opinions from those. We just have to be more tolerant of others and take the high road and accept that we agree to disagree and move on.

    Take care, dear man, and cook yourself a good and healthy lunch.

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  34. I've been enjoying your blog from the other side of the Atlantic for about a year now. I, too, am just trying to live my life and be a good person. Ignore the trolls, as they fall far from the "good person" category. And hopefully your depression is fleeting.

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  35. I'm going to suggest that you remove the past 3 posts. You don't need this vitriol there to resurface and remind you of a nasty few days of blogging.

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  36. Hey, Cro, I don't say much but kind of hang out here on occasion to see what's happening in the world of Cro. My comment will most likely get buried in the sea of encouraging comments that you have received but I just have to put in another word of encouragement. I too have been in a funk at times only to later realize that my positive influence on those I come in touch with is much greater than I could imagine. A seemingly insignificant comment in a conversation has been revealed to me later that it made a tremendous difference in their life. Just being who you are makes a difference in people's lives on a daily basis. Your blog is popular because it's a real life blog with all the lumps and bumps that we all can identify with. It's OK to be discouraged for a time but don't stay there too long. I need my real life Cro fix every day. :-)

    Have the best day that you can.

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  37. This is all sad and unnecessary. I don't like to think of you being upset by thoughtless comments from people who appear to be out to hurt others. I read your daily blog from here in France and its the first thing I do on waking. You are well educated and clearly appreciate beauty. You write so well. You don't need profanity to get by, as some do. I shared your grief over Monty, I admire your determination and hard work, your paintings are good and I perceive you as a committed and loving husband, father and grandfather. You have good values. Do not let others affect your self esteem to this degree. They are not worth it. Love from Normandy x

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  38. Everyone gets ups and downs...and you are a good artist...however much you sell. You're doing the best you can for your family and your plot of earth.
    You keep us going ....
    Keep writing...and have a virtual ((hug))

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  39. We all have those days, Cro. I've had several in a row just as you describe. I'm sorry you're feeling despondent for the moment, although i'm glad for the excellent company.

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  40. I come to you from halfway around the world. You and your lovely blog start my day, each and every one. You set the tone for the day so, selfishly, I can't have you depressed, upset or disappointed. Seriously...you have such a wide range of interests, I know if I lived nearby, I would enjoy stopping by for a cup of tea, especially when that visit could include a few gentle ear rubs for Bok. Please keep writing...I love the daily journal from "the man in France".

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    1. Thank you Gail; that was very kind.

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  41. I love a good shit-storm occasionally - just so long as I'm not at the helm. This time it's your turn, Cro!

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    1. I'm going back to puppies and pies.

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  42. might this be an example of 'anger turning inwards'? Please Cro, all this craziness in the comment box has NOTHING to do with you, with your life and with your blog. You rise above it. An one night off the wagon is a shame, but nothing to be shamed about. That night is gone. Another day has risen. A friend is coming to stay. And we all love and/or admire you!

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  43. Chin up, Cro! Don't let the bastards get you down.

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  44. Hi Cro, I too enjoy your blog and I felt quite sad in your last post when you expressed your feelings . Please continue blogging and living the lovely life you lead .

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  45. I would chose you to be my dad, I think you are a 'salt of the earth' kind of man, honest and honourable.
    Hold your head high, and live your wonderful life to the fullest.
    ~Jo

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    1. What a lovely thing to say. Thank you Brit. Cro x

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    2. I might not choose you to be my Dad but you can adopt me if you like ! (giggles)

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  46. I enjoy reading your blog and hope you continue. I don't comment often but I do read.
    Every time you show your painting I am in awe of how interesting, beautiful and outstanding they are.
    I am envious of your amazing talent.
    Your a good man.

    cheers, parsnip

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  47. You shouldn't be so down on yourself. What I see is an incredibly smart and artistic man who loves his family and is kind and funny to all. That's rare. You are miles above most people on this earth. And if that isn't enough, you live in France, which is awesome, have great taste and run a fabulous blog. And you're cool. So there. You can't be sad.

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  48. Don't be down on yourself, you sound like a wonderful 'normal' man ... just a salt of the earth type who i=make the world a better place to live in. If there were more like you and less of the 'know it all, have it all, want it all' types we would all be a lot better off.

    Alcohol sends me into a downward spiral too, anything more than one glass that is. Three months on the wagon shows you can do without it just fine, just take it easy now when you do imbibe :-)

    Lots of fans on here looking out for you. xx

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  49. Goodness, did i miss something. Cro, so you know, goodwill extends all the way to you from way down here at the bottom of Australia. You must be doing something right.

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  50. Oh dear, I'm just catching up . For some reason I've missed this blog entry. Before I read the other comments may I just say I read your blog regularly and because I enjoy it. The gardening, the building, the family, the bits about life in France and the very occasional rants -which I usually agree with ! Seems to me there are a lot of us who feel at home here and enjoy our " conversations". So keep it up and ignore the crazies. They are completely outnumbered by the rest of us !

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  51. Hi Cro, sorry you feel so bad... please don't be down on yourself....chin up. Love you even though you have no idea who I am...yours in blogsphere xx

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  52. What Amy said up there! I'm well impressed with you and the life you live. Hope you are feeling better soon. Have a Canadian hug!

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  53. When you're near the end and about to breathe your last few breaths you can remember that person you were and feel content, that you have been a good human being, that you did your best for yourself and others.
    Far better than all the idiots and smart arses who did nobody any good in the world but wasted their lives trying to think up ways to upset or offend everyone around them, or be cruel to people and animals, just because they could.

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  54. Just a?? Really? Just?

    Just a... loving spouse.
    Just a.... loving father and grandfather.
    Just a... healer of the land.
    Just a.... decent and courteous man.
    Just a... creative individual who helps others see through new eyes.

    Good grief, I've only 'known' you through comments on another blog, and the couple of days I've been reading here, and even I can see that. =)

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