We all take our parents for granted. They are usually the one stable part in our lives. A Mother and Father who belong to us alone. They are the one's who we say goodbye to in the mornings, and hello to when we return. They are our rock-solid foundation.
But one day we have to say goodbye for ever, and it's a horrible part of our lives. The very source of our lives is no longer there. It's a shock.
I was with my Mother when she died, but not with Father. He had been suddenly transferred to a different hospital, which was much further away, and had died in the night. Somehow his death became very unreal.
My own Fathering skills, and my Father's were very different. My Father had been 41 when I was born. I must have been about 23 when my oldest was born. He was a 'bystander' Father, a very typical Father of his time. I, on the other hand, liked to get involved; we played Cricket, we swam in lakes together, we ate out a lot, we travelled, and we had a really great time.
I do miss my Father; I've begun to realise this the older I get. He was somewhat aloof and 'old school', but he did his utmost for his two children. We were away for most of our childhood days, so we didn't see that much of him. For his holidays he preferred mountains and hills, whereas we headed for beaches and sunshine with my Mother. I remain very grateful to him for his generosity, and I try to remember him as often as I can.
One of my close neighbours here has recently died, and yesterday I went to see both her daughter and husband. The woman in question had been a long term friend and was also teacher to my children. I'm afraid that returning here has delivered quite a few shocks about people's health and their family situations. There's a lot of change in the air, and as most families are farmers, I'm not sure what the future will bring. C'est la vie.
I don't remember much actual "parenting" from either of mine, dad went to work and mum stayed home, we were fed and clothed but sent outside to play all day or go to school, it was the way things were here back then, most families being the same as ours, apart from summer holidays when quite a few went away and the rest of us just went ot the beach or park everyday as usual. Their deaths were no shock to me, both had cancer for sometime and I said goodbye when they lay in their coffins before the cremations (four years apart) and I don't miss them at all.
ReplyDeleteGosh, that's very sad. I still miss my parents even though it's been about 40 years since they both died. I don't become emotional, but there are times when I would either like to ask them something or share some experience. Now, of course, I can't.
DeleteI had a reasonably happy childhood but my mother was a very volatile person. Dad was my hero and I still feel so incredibly sad about his steady decline after Mum left us all for her new man. I was across the other side of the world when Dad died and felt as though I had been torn apart when I got the news.
ReplyDeleteIt's not nice is it! I felt quite guilty when father was moved to a different hospital, and didn't make it. I've always felt as if I should have been there, but it simply wasn't possible. I don't suppose he knew much about it.
DeleteI never once took my parents for granted, they were not big influencers in my life
ReplyDeleteMy people basically relied on others to do the 'influencing'; I think that was OK.
DeleteMy father, like yours, was "old school" and never what I would call a proper "dad", something I realised when I saw other friends with their fathers. He was very much the disciplinarian, remote and l later realised, a verbal bully. He never physically attacked me, but his constant put-downs frequently left me in tears - whatever I did or said seemed to be wrong. My mother told me after he'd died that he didn't want children, so I was their only child - born to older parents. So no, I don't miss him, but I occasionally miss my mother who died at 93 - twenty years ago. Materially I had the best of everything, but emotionally home was a desert.
ReplyDeleteI think my sister and I had pretty idealistic childhoods, we were both away at school where friends were plentiful, then spent the holidays either at home or in Summer away somewhere warm. I hate to hear of others who had 'difficult' parents.
DeleteLuckily I got go be there holding my parents hands as each of them passed. I like to think that I helped guide them out of the world, while they were there when they brought me to life
ReplyDeleteI was with my mother when she died, and I'm sure she appreciated it. I would like to think that one of my brood would do the same for me.
DeleteMy parents died in 2017, five months apart, they were cared for by the same home hospice nurse at the same time. Mom lingered and suffered and it was really hard to watch. Dad was still in charge 3 days before he died. Families are complicated.
ReplyDeleteVery few families aren't complicated, but as long as the children don't suffer that's OK.
DeleteI remind myself often that I had a good Mum and Dad and a happy and secure family life. Not everyone can say that - particularly these days when folk seem to swap partners often.
ReplyDeleteFamilies are often not very stable these days. When my youngest was at Primary School he and his friend were the only two children in his class who lived with two parents.
DeleteLike you, I miss my parents too. They are both gone for a long time now. That said, the lessons they taught me continue to influence me. It sounds like you are finding lots of changes in France.
ReplyDeleteYes, and I have yet to visit some neighbours. Still some unpleasant tales to be revealed I'm afraid. It hasn't been a kind winter down here.
DeleteOur parents gave us a very good upbringing. We all seem to have grown up into very different, interesting and interested adults. Now we are passing it on to the next generation
ReplyDeleteThat must still be the best way, stability and love.
DeleteI have always thought that we do the best we can in our circumstances. I think the same for my parents. My childhood was much different than yours, but what I took from those years has stood me in good stead as I apply those things in my own life. It sounds as if you have done the same. When you say that you were away for most of that childhood, does it mean that you went to a boarding school?
ReplyDeleteYes, away from about the age of 8 and handed over to one of England's great institutions. I loved it too!
DeleteMy dad left when I was three so I never knew him and he was never interested in seeing me. When I heard that he had died it made no difference to me except that I thought that I no longer need to regret him not wanting to know me or my children. My nan was lovely and we were very close when she was alive and she was like a second mum to me so I felt that I had enough family.
ReplyDeleteThat's very sad, but in many such cases a Fairy Grandmother comes along and puts you on the right track. I think their roles are often underestimated. Our two youngest grandchildren used to rush down every day to spend time with theirs (not that they had a split family).
DeleteI would have been with my mother on the day that she died but the school where I worked failed to pass on an urgent telephone message. I only picked it up at the very end of the day when it was too late.
ReplyDeleteThat's dreadful. You should have sued!
DeleteI was with my dad when he passed... the whole family (kids and all) were gathered in the hospital room. Dad was 75. He had cancer but died of a stroke. Mom died during the night in a nursing home - so I wasn't there. They called me at 3 am to tell me. I was shocked, although I shouldn't have been She had Alzheimer's. Both were wonderful parents and I miss them dearly.
ReplyDeleteYour final sentence is the most important. Every child (adult) should feel that way, but few do.
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