Wintery
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It’s stormy .
I took the Welsh to the beach and we hugged the Promenade wall to keep out
of the wind.
I’ve made a fish pie and the fire is lit.
It was my n...
11 hours ago
Friday, 22 August 2014
Suicide. One man's Experience.
With the tragic news of Robin Williams' demise still fresh in our minds, and much talked of in the press, the subject of suicide is again being widely discussed.
I think there has only been one case in my family; at least to my knowledge.
My uncle and aunt were 'eccentric', to say the least. They lived about 200 yards down the road from us in my native Surrey village, in a house that was OVERFLOWING with furniture. Sofas were stacked in rows in the sitting room, and the small dining room (well it seemed small) contained at least two huge roll-top desks as well as goodness knows what else. There was a permanent feeling of 'chaos' in the house.
Eventually my uncle went mad, and was taken away (around 1960?). The last thing I remember him saying to me was how upset he'd been to see children running away from him in fear.
My aunt visited him regularly, and on one occasion was seen by a senior psychiatrist who tried to give her comfort by saying that 'he would soon be home'.
This preyed on my aunt's mind so much that she eventually decided that she'd had enough. There had in fact been no hope whatsoever of his ever returning home, and the psychiatrist's 'kindly' assurance had been the final straw.
Before taking her own life she had become totally irrational. Amongst other things, she posted envelopes filled with cash to all her siblings, and bought several enormous joints of beef that just hung, uncooked, in her pantry; I still have no idea why.
One day a neighbour phoned to say that he'd noticed several bottles of milk on her doorstep, and she hadn't been seen for a while. We were then living on the south coast, and immediately drove up to Lingfield to see what was going on.
As the smallest it was my duty to enter the house via an open window, and I found her slumped in an armchair with her mouth covered in white powder from all the pills she'd swallowed. I was probably about 13 or 14.
Her action was all her own doing, but for years I blamed the psychiatrist. I do also think that the milkman should have averted someone (albeit too late to do any good); and what her butcher thought she was up to, I really cannot imagine.
With my aunt no longer around, my uncle's London-based (long lost) sister suddenly appeared on the scene and bled him dry of money. She also emptied the Surrey house of anything of value, before eventually inheriting it, and selling-up. In a previous will my uncle had apparently left me £1,000 (a lot of money in those days), but by the time his sister had finished with him all that had been changed. Hey ho; what you've never had, you never miss.
As children, my sister and I spent quite a lot of time at my aunt and uncle's house, but I think even then we knew that they were a bit strange. Maybe this is why I wasn't really surprised about their ends.
I'm now wondering if I should have written about all this.
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Cro, I know the legacy of suicide is a lasting, confusing one --but to have a family member rob you of inheritance compounds the hurt and bewilderment. I had the latter happen twice. Losing fortunes is an expensive recreation to an adult, but to a 13 or 14-year-old it is a violation most abominable. There were doubtless intolerable tensions at work and your aunt died because she couldn't help it. It is a cautionary account you tell here, and will strike a familiar chord among readers.
ReplyDeleteThe mad uncle was my godfather, and my father his executor. It was only years later that my father informed me of what had been in my uncle's will, and by that time I really didn't care.
DeleteThat is very sad. I believe today your aunt would receive more help and maybe she wouldn't have taken her own life. I have experience of this, I regret to say, with P. I won't go into detail but he has wonderful doctors who have helped him for the past 14 years.
ReplyDeleteAfter my family left the village to move further south, she became totally isolated. One of the theories about the meat in her larder was that she'd bought it simply to speak to someone. Very sad.
DeleteYes, I can relate to that through P. Living with someone with mental illness, when at its peak, I can tell you is very distressing. P was suicidal and at that point I was totally unable to relate to him and basically didn't cope very well.
DeleteNot the happiest of subjects for a Friday morning - but a sad tale nevertheless.
ReplyDeleteIt is a sad story, but I believe that many readers can find parts of them and their lives in every story. there is a reason to every thing. so it is ok to tell the story.
ReplyDeleteSuicide is a huge subject. I know of so many sad stories, but here is just one - My beautiful mother struggled with mental health problems. Some of my earliest memories are of times when she was threatening to take her own life and of my anguish at the thought of losing her. I was about five years old the first time it happened, crying inside and terrified, but trying to not show that I cared or was frightened by it, although I don't know why that seemed so important. It wasn't her fault, it was down to the tablets she had been prescribed for slimming - sadly, these pills had a permanent effect and she suffered mental health problems for the rest of her life. It probably explains my life-long aversion to taking medication of any description. Suicide, and attempted suicide, have an enormous ripple effect.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you should have written about it Cro. Suicide is kept hidden and really that makes it so much worse I think. Why should we not speak about it openly. I am totally and utterly in favour of suicide - having no religion I really do believe on should be in charge of one's own destiny. Your aunt and uncle were, as you say, eccentric - and were probably heading that way from early in their married lives. It is a sad story and perhaps these days there would have been medication which would have kept both of them in a more stable condition. As Elaine says - it is the ripple effect which is so harmful, but if we were more open and honest about suicide then the ripple effect would lessen to that experienced on any death. Well, that's my view anyway.
ReplyDeleteCro, you are a kind and gentle man. You had a traumatic experience for anyone let alone one at such a very young age. So many of us have intimate experience with mental illness and suicide. Your writing about your experience strikes a familiar chord in many. It seems that no matter how many take their own lives out of the deepest of despair in a momentary lapse of cogent decision making the topics of mental illness, depression & suicide drop out of the public mind too fast. These issues are no less relevant to human health & well being than coronary, diabetic, autoimmune or any of the many other physical conditions which human beings can have.
ReplyDeleteAs one who has experienced this condition myself, lost one nephew to suicide and almost his sister after 8 serious attempts starting at age 14 I know the lasting impact involved.
One should become more sensitive and compassionate when they've personally experienced or had those close to them experience these things.
Thank you for having the courage & generosity of spirit to share your own painful experience. It helps the more people share these things because there is still a very public stigma attached to this matter and personal shame.
Leslie in US
Yes, I think you should have written this, although it's a horrible and sad story.
ReplyDeleteI too think it was good that you wrote about this, Cro, although it was difficult to read. What stood out for me was that you were the one sent into the house first. What a shocking experience for you as a boy.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it had too much of an effect on me. I probably knew what I was going to find inside, so was expecting it. It's never preyed on my mind.
DeleteVery touching Cro. I think it is good to write about such things.
ReplyDeleteI travel each year with a group of 3 women and our daughters. All 3 of us have lost a family member to suicide. One lost her son at 19. The impact on those remaining has been huge and in some areas devastating. The sadness and burdens of the one lost is passed down somewhat to those that survive.
ReplyDeleteI do think it is wise to talk about it. It's been a closeted subject for too long. We had another family member (I remember this from my childhood) who had to go away frequently for a "rest". No one could say the "depression" word back then.
A sad story indeed and it reminds us to give a thought to those around us and spare them a kind word and a smile...you never know who is teetering on the edge.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if anyone has not been touched by suicide, by mental illness, by erratic friends and relatives. No matter how we come upon it, it's another part of the lives we are living.
ReplyDeleteAbove all else suicide is a spiteful act of rejection and hatred against those nearest to the perpetrator. In the end I suppose it boils down to the choices people make. And choices do have consequences. Sounds like your aunt and uncle's lives were chaotic at best. Not a good prognosis of stability. As a child of 6 or so my maternal grandmother's third husband off'd himself for no apparent reason. Don't remember much about him and whenever I tried to dig more about it, it has always ended in discord. Last year one of my first employers shot on himself at 65 after after a short spell with ALS. Like Mr Williams, it strikes me as odd that someone who had a better run at life than most should choose to bail when the going suddenly got tough. My own parents seem to be fascinated with the whole Hemlock Society thing and I dread some day will chose that way out. But there is F--- all that can be done about it as they refuse all outside influence and little consideration for those that should be closest to them.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you. I don't believe committing suicide has anything to do with living a so-called charmed life. Or that it's a "spiteful act of rejection and hatred" against loved ones.
DeleteMy 46 year old brother took his own life last October. He had suffered from depression and addiction for many, many years....just as Robin Williams had. One was rich, one was poor. Both felt hopeless.
Sherry: I didn't say there is a direct correlation between a charmed life and committing suicide. I only think it odd that a person who was more successful than most at life's challenges should choose that way out. I do not mean to diminish anyone's pain, but ultimately unless there is a true physiological/chemical imbalance that can be to at least some degree managed with meds, the final choice is the perpetrator's. The perpetrator knows the end result of the choice he makes, ie "to end his suffering", and is choosing to do so disregarding how it affects those around him. It is the ultimate expression of denying others the option to provide help and comfort. You just don't do that to those that you care about.
DeleteI think, perhaps, the weight of pain sometimes completely overwhelms people - they may not feel they have choices, they just want the pain to stop... I haven't ever felt such despair, but I can imagine it - mind you, when a friend lost her husband (very suddenly) and then took her own life just a couple of days later, leaving her two teen-aged boys alone, I must confess that I struggled to comprehend that one.
DeleteIf someone is mentally ill.. Suicide is NOT an action of their own doing... It is an action of the illness.
ReplyDeleteTherefore in some ways I agree that the psychiatrist is in some way accountable.... But not responsible....
In my experience ( as a psychiatric nurse and as a Samaratain) suicide is not a selfish act. It is a desperate act....an act of sudden impulse....an act clouded by illness, pain, upset and loss
But in most it is not an action that is simply selfish
John's response is the closest to my own feelings on the subject. I think that most people who commit suicide are too deep in despair to even consider how it may effect those left behind.
DeleteNot a happy topic for a Friday morning, but then, this whole month has been a bit of a bust in the good news department.
John and Jennifer are so right. A person who can actually kill themselves, to plan it all { and, often, they are at their happiest the day before, because they know what they are going to do } must be so ill, so mentally unhappy, that they can only see that they are so unhappy and that leaving this world will end their suffering. They are not selfish, just very, very ill and so desperate. It is so sad for those who are left behind and a terrible thing for them to live with too, but the one who has gone was in such a terrible state that they couldn't see any future or hope ahead of them. As reasonably adjusted people, it is hard for some to understand this but we must feel for these people and not blame them for being selfish. XXXX
DeleteWhen P's illness was at its most acute I did not know him, he was not the P I knew and loved, Jackie and Jennifer and John have expressed it so well. His thoughts were not selfish, he was just so ill he couldn't see any future or any way out. Thank God for the wonderful medical help he received at that time, and continues to receive.
DeleteMental illness has been kept a family secret for far too long, I think anyone who has had this experience should talk about it as part of the healing process. My late father-in-law was Manic depressive and had a severe chemical imbalance that required heavy medication twice a day since he was in his late twenties until his death at 84. In the years I knew him he spent four episodes institutionalized and had undergone several horrific treatments that left him catatonic four days on end. My mother-in-laws twin brother committed suicide one fourth of July by asphyxiation and a year later his oldest married son shot his sleeping wife and their four year old son and then laid down in the same bed and shot himself. It was a crushing blow to my wife and I because the child was the same age as our eldest and was supposed to spend the night at our house as a sleep over with his cousin, but at the last minute his mother called and said she was not feeling well and would rather do it another night.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this heartfelt personal experience, Cro. Suicide, like grief, is something we refuse to talk about...as if hiding it or changing the subject will make it go away.
ReplyDeleteWell Cro, I was expecting this today. But thanks.
ReplyDeleteor even not expecting this.
DeleteIt is evident from all these thoughtful comments that in this day and age many of us are touched by suicide and its consequences and are struggling to understand and find a way to support the suicidal ones and their families. At least, through all this debate, some good and increased awareness has come from such a tragic event
ReplyDeleteSince living here in France I have known 3 suicides. One was a young man having girlfriend problems, another was a 14 year old boy who'd been abused at school, and the third was a school friend of my childrens' (and the son of a neighbour) who'd fallen into very heavy drug usage. The effects of all three have been devastating on the families left behind.
ReplyDelete